Editor’s Note: IU Lacrosse junior attackman Matt Anderson chimes in with his fashion knowledge
Yo, I’m Matt Anderson, the Ocho, Andy, Manderson, etc. Here’s my stuff.
I was born in the Elkhart/Goshen/South Bend neighborhood of northern Indiana in 1989 (l8r Berlin wall, thx Gorbachev). I moved to Indianapolis on my 4th birthday. Yes, the exact day. I said good-bye to my best friend, our old dog Muffy, and spent all of my born day moving. I did, however, get to take a piece of cake in the mini-van. Thanks mom and dad. Little did my upset newly 4 year old self realize how thankful I would be to have left the beautiful Elkhart, Indiana to move to Indianapolis, where there was more than one bowling alley and one movie theatre to choose from.
Indianapolis, or “The Land of Opportunity” as they call it, was a great place to grow up. I made quite the little suburbanite, had some laughs, and got to play lacrosse. I was one of the founding members of the lacrosse program at my school. I started going to Heritage Christian School in the 4th grade. I was homeschooled before that, and if any of you know me, things probably make a lot more sense now after dropping the homeschool bomb…. But I digress. A friend of mine’s father played lacrosse at Purdue way back in the day and wanted to start a lacrosse program at my school. This process began in 6th grade. I’ll never forget not only my first lacrosse game ever, but the first Heritage Lacrosse game ever in history ever. We, the Heritage Christian Eagles, lost to the Zionsville Eagles by a score of 21-0. They had much sharper talons that day (a bad eagle joke? who is this kid?).
Two years later, my 8th grade year, my team went undefeated and won the Middle School Championship. Cheese Crackers and Capri Sun for all!!! Please understand that I am in no way bragging about an Indiana middle school championship. I am merely trying to show how far we were able to come in two years from our first match.
High School started. As a freshman I was part of the first ever HCS Varsity Lacrosse team. I don’t remember much, I was still pretty bad at lacrosse, but I do remember that this was my first year playing attack. I wasn’t built for midfield, I tried telling coach that so long ago. We hired on a new head coach very knowledgeable of the game and were sure of good things to come. Those things did come. We built the program fairly well in my 4 years there. We lost in the quarterfinals by 1 or 2 goals twice, and lost in the semifinals by 1 or 2 goals once. We had some great wins over state rivals. We had some horrible losses over state rivals. We produced a ton of all-state players and an all American. This is all boring, but all of it is to say that I love Indiana, and I love Lacrosse, and I know what it is like to build a program into something special. And what do you know…
I have the opportunity to do the same thing again with Indiana, Lacrosse, and building something special, and I couldn’t be more excited.
I hope everyone is on board. I know Mike Shagi is.
Okay. Enough about that. Let’s talk about something else. Hang on, I’m going to switch from my HOME to AWAY gloves, which I can do, because here at IU we have options.…..
Okay cool. I type better with red gloves on anyways.
So. On the field fashion has been done. You all know, or should know, what to wear come game day. If not, surf on over to 412 or some other LAS affiliated thing. They know what’s up. I’m more concerned with off the field fashion. Go places to be seen. That’s my motto. With that being said, here is a little segment dedicated to things that I see people wearing that, if they followed my advice of going places to be seen, they would not be wearing…
PRESENTING: THREE ITEMS PEOPLE SHOULD NOT WEAR
One bro on our team (Andrew “Fire” Hylant) is sporting this particular model this winter, with many more bros I don’t know scurratting around campus with them. Now, the OTHER colors of this item are fine, but this specific piece beckons only one question:
When did OshKosh B’Gosh start making adult pullovers and why are you wearing one? Honestly.
I lied about it only beckoning one question because here are a few that more I have:
Are these sponsored by Crayola?
Did you find this in the lost and found at Discovery Zone?
Was this the prize you got for collecting enough UPC’s from Trix boxes?
Seriously, I think I’ve seen something very similar worn by an extra in an episode of Ed Edd and Eddy. They are pretty clean cut though, so whoever designed them was obviously pretty good at staying in between the lines when he colored the sketch with his crayons. It’s like someone skinned the characters from Sesame Street and created a clothing line with their fur. Kids are going to be shocked when Oscar the Grouch pops out of the trash can completely hairless. That’s a frightening image. Sorry parents, but you can thank Patagonia when your children become emotionally scarred from the next episode of Sesame Street. Those sunny days are going to cause some serious sunburn issues now. Better lube up Elmo, skin cancer is no joke. Thanks, Patagonia.
Buy grown up sweaters, please, bros of the world. Or at least a different color…
Okay. Trip back in time to set the stage for this one. Remember that short stint of time in middle school when the cool group of girls would wear absolutely ridiculous toe socks to school? But, since they were the “cool” kids they never got made fun of unlike all the guys like me who accidentally wore the fake henna tattoo choker necklace to class? It was one time, I thought they were unisex, get over it. Besides, this guy can pull it off…
Anyways. Okay. This is where my theory on the invention of this next item really takes off. So this small group of cool kids in middle school who got away with wearing retarded glove-socks went on to high school where they were still the cool kids. So cool, in fact, that they were too cool for school and had good times all the time and subsequently didn’t quite get into any real colleges. So they ended up living at home in their parent’s basement and commuting to the local branch of the decent school that they couldn’t get into. A very slim minority of said group of kids ended up getting their degrees, one of which happened to get a business degree. Then, after a few more years of sitting around his parents basement, this former toe-sock wearing cool kid loaded with his parents money fancied himself a bit of an entrepreneur and always pretended to love being extreme in regards to mountain climbing and surfing and decided to drop these on the world:
NEWSFLASH USED-TO-BE-COOL KID, THESE ARE NOT COOL. I’ll go out on a limb and say these are less cool than toe socks. I’ll go out on a further limb to say that I would look better in my old fake henna tattoo choker necklace than in a pair of these. Honestly. These are the most confusing things ever. I don’t care how comfortable they are or how much broken glass you can step on in them. Why would you even want to do that? I literally had a kid base his argument for why these rubber-soled toe socks are cool by demonstrating their broken glass stepping ability. Who does that? That’s like the kid who had his parents run over his first Nalgene bottle in their car just to prove that it wouldn’t break. Neither are good ideas. People only ever watched you do either of those because you told them to watch, not because they wanted to.
Toe socks sucked. Why on earth would anyone think that toe shoes would be better? BUY REAL SHOES. If you still don’t believe that these suck, peep a gander at how your feet look to yourself and others while wearing them:
Nothing screams middle class white kid trying to be Bear Grylls more. Stop it.
This one goes out to the ladiez, and it is a complete clusterfudge. Okay. I know a lot of guys who hate uggs. Whatever. I’m pretty ambivalent towards them, but one thing is about as unambiguous as how lame toe shoes are: UGGS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE WORN IN THE WINTER.
Let’s think through this one logically girls. EVERY SINGLE WINTER I hear all of you complain about how “this f’ing salt just ruined my brand new Uggs!” Every winter. I’m no braniac or anything, but seriously, if the salt ruined your Uggs last winter, and the one before it, and the one before it, and it has just snowed so they have salted the roads, why oh whyyyyyy are you wearing your Uggs to class? Is there some point that you have to prove? Do you honestly expect the chemical make-up of salt to have changed since it ruined your last 6 pairs of uggs? NaCl from the start ladies.
UGG is an Australian brand. In Australia, the girls don’t have to worry about salt being on the sidewalk on the way from their Sororities to class. Something to think about. NaCl from the start.
Okay. I’m done ranting, and I’m gonna go. I think I’ll save all of the hilarious YouTube’s I have lined up for next week. YouTube is kinda my thing. Hope you enjoyed the first post, dip yer toez in the water kinda thing. I will leave you with a killer tune from the band I am currently on my way to Nashvegas, TN to see. Cannery Ballroom. Saturday night. You should be there.
Dr. Dog, Jackie Wants a Blackeye
May you Live Long and Lacrosseper,
Peyton Manning went 2/5 with 1 INT because when you’re in your 11th probowl, it’s okay
IU’s whole basketball team is injured but Tom “Young Fellah” Pritchard decided to suck less.
“OHHH MH GOODNESS. OHH YOUNG FELLOW DON’T GERVEEMM LYKEE THATTTDF!!!!!…….HERRWW”, Great call from a Pacers announcing legend
Speaking of Pacers, guess who is undefeated in their last two games? And who, might I ask, is a 68% projected winner on the never-wrong ESPN AccuScore??? Boom Baby.
This section is kind of like a “Notes:” section, but more hip.